Uncle Mitchy's Blog

I travel a lot.  You would know this if you’d read my previous blog posts, but clearly you don’t really love me.  Over the years I have learned a thing or two about traveling, and I have perfected a few techniques to make the experience less miserable.  What follows is the first of many travel tips that I will share with you to make your travel experience better and hopefully reduce my misanthropy just a little.

There are few situations that make me hate the human race more than waiting for my checked luggage at the airport.  Here are a few things to keep in mind if you have checked your luggage…

Relax

The journey from the plane to the luggage carousel is the perfect time to calm yourself and gain your composure.  Take your time.  You could crawl there and you’d still have to wait for your bag, so why not take advantage of the idle time.  Stop at a bathroom to do your business and wash your hands and face.  Call or text your ride to let them know you’ve arrived and will be outside after you get your bag.  Stretch a little.  Release that gas you’ve been storing up since New Mexico.  Make sure that you are in motion when you do this to avoid suspicion.  This technique is known as crop dusting.  It is important to be in a calm state of mind when you get to the luggage carousel or else you may not have the will power to avoid jamming a railroad spike into someone’s eye.

Have A Plan

Your plan starts by choosing the right place to stand. Imagine yourself grabbing your bag and trying to pull it off of the carousel.  I am sure there is a way to identify which direction the carousel will rotate from looking at the scratch patterns on its metal sections, but I haven’t been able to accurately predict it yet, so you’ll have to guess which way the bags are coming.  Find a spot with plenty of room on either side of you. If the people on either side of you are too close, you won’t have the maneuvering room to swing your bag out and onto the floor. If  the entire carousel is blocked by morons, step back and wait for them to battle over their bags. Entertain yourself by watching them knock each other down, since they can’t quite get a good hold of their bag as it moves down the carousel, but refuse to let go – as if by releasing their death grip on the handle, they’ll never see their underwear again.

Inevitably, people will start crowding into the spaces around you, and it will become necessary to take some action once the buzzer sounds and the carousel comes to life. You might want to:

• Fart
• Stare at them in a menacing manner without saying a word
• Lean against them
• Fart again
• Stare at their kids and ask if Megan’s Law applies at airports.

Once you identify your bag, you should be able to grab it, swing it off of the carousel, and make your escape.  If some loser has encroached your space, it is perfectly acceptable to knock him or her over with your bag and say that you didn’t see anyone there.

Put Your Damn Phone Away

Is it really critical that you call someone and tell them that you just landed?  I bet it isn’t.  Give it a rest until you have your bag.  If you have to inform your ride that you have landed, a quick text message will suffice.  If they aren’t technically advanced enough to text, a quick call to say “I’ve landed; I’ll call you when I’m at the curb,” is OK. Once you get into “How was the trip?” you’ve engaged in a conversation that can clearly wait nine minutes until you are sitting next to them in the car.

Keep Your Damn Brood Contained

Look, I chose not to have kids for a reason.  If I wanted to run around an airport yelling, “Upupupupupupupup … put that … Billy! … Don’t touch … Where is your sis… NO … Uppupupuppupup, that isn’t yours … Get off of the carousel … SUZY!!! …”  I would’ve had my own.  You made the decision to breed, so now take the responsibility and keep them in line.  Oh, and by the way, if you say that nobody tells you how hard it is, I am going to find out where you live and rape your puppy.  EVERYONE TELLS YOU HOW HARD IT IS!

Sorry, where was I…  Oh yeah, it really isn’t necessary to have your entire family standing at the carousel unless they are part of your plan.  If you are standing at the carousel carrying an infant, then you’re doing it wrong.  And you’re an idiot.  If you really want to keep them busy as well as have your hands free, put them in one of those plastic trays and let them ride around the carousel in it.  If you’re lucky, they will make it all the way around before child services shows up.

Pitcher and a Catcher

If you have a traveling companion, you can work together as a team.  As the bags come down the way, you can hand one off to your partner and he or she can haul it away. Or, if you both have carry-on luggage, your travel companion can stand aside with all of your carry-on luggage, which frees up your hands to get the rest of your luggage – or to slap the person next to you.

Know Your Bag

Let me guess.  Your bag is a black Samsonite suitcase.  Guess what.  So is everyone else’s bag.  Put something on your bag that makes it definitively yours.  The best example I’ve seen is a suitcase with “Not Your Bag” taped on it with duct tape.  I have tags on mine that say things like “My Clothes Won’t Fit You.”  You can get these or other useful tags from a place called Inventive Travelware.

Hopefully these tips will help you on your next flight.