My Superpower
If you have ever seen the movie “Supernova” with James Spader I feel that I must apologize. Since I am listed in the credits I feel that I owe you one. This has nothing to do with my superpower but it is a burden that I have been carrying with me for a long time and I needed to get it off of my chest. So if you see me and can produce the original ticket stub proving that you actually watched this pile of crap I will refund your $10.
If you have ever seen the movie “Unbreakable” with Bruce Willis you will recall that over the course of the movie the main character learns that he has a superpower. I had nothing to do with that movie so I won’t be giving you a refund. Over the past few years I have also discovered that I also have a superpower. I am invisible.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that you would like a sandwich right now but you are wrong! I didn’t believe it myself in the beginning. I started to notice as I walked around anywhere in Los Angeles on a sidewalk (for Angelenos this is the place where you get out of your car when you park it on the street to get your latte) people coming towards me from the other direction would make no attempt to get out of my way. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that Detroit is a horrible place and I agree there had to be an explanation. Maybe they were looking at their cell phones to see what Miley Cirus was tweeting about. Maybe they were distracted by the fact that they actually had shoes on. Maybe they were trying not to break their mothers back.
I started to pay more attention and this wasn’t the case. People would actually look me right in the face and make zero effort to get out of my way as if it was my responsibility to move. I tried putting on my best menacing face but I couldn’t look tough if I tried. I tried stopping dead in my tracks to make it clear that I was not moving and they would actually bump right into me and act surprised that I was there. Clearly I thought that people just suck and have lost all consideration and common sense.
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that anyone wearing an Ed Hardy tee shirt is a douchebag but it wasn’t only on the sidewalk. I also started noticing this at the airport. In the line to check bags people would cut in front of me like I wasn’t there. On the escalator people in front of me would stop dead in their tracks at the top to look at their ticket and make sure they weren’t going to miss their flight to Toledo causing me to plow through them when I reached the top. On the plane the other passengers were constantly whacking me with their “carry-ons” which were roughly the size of refrigerator.
After the flight while waiting at the luggage chucker 9000 people would shove their way in next to me to wait for their over-sized bag to come around. Of course they didn’t have the physical strength to successfully pull this crate off of the carousel which inevitably led to the bag dragging them helplessly right into me. Clearly they didn’t understand the concept of a circle and if they simply let go and moved down the line they could have a little more room to hoist their bag into someone else. They must believe that all luggage will only go around the carousel once and if it isn’t retrieved at that time it will get shipped to Afghanistan to fund terrorism.
So I have come to the conclusion that I must be invisible. I have yet to decide if I should use my superpower for good or for evil but if you find yourself on an airport escalator and you start fumbling around for your boarding pass, don’t be surprised if you find my invisible foot shoved in your ass.
