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Louisiana Tourist Accidentally Enters Gay Bar in Santa Monica

Billy Bob Baker

Santa Monica CA:  Billy Bob Baker encountered the shock of his life last Saturday when he unexpectedly found himself at a popular Santa Monica Gay Bar.  Baker, who hails from Shreveport (voted the #1 most redneck city in Louisiana), was visiting Southern California for his Bruncle Clem’s wedding/baby shower.



“Bo, Big Jim, Little Jimmy, and Buck decided to thrown on our good jerseys and baseball caps and hit Rick’s Tavern in Santa Monica.  We was mindin’ our own business and hittin’ on these chicks.  We bought them some PBR and Jagermeister shots and after a spell, they asked us if we wanted to come to a cool bar down the street.  They were purty enough so we went along.”

The Birdcage

The “cool bar” that “these chicks” were referring to was The Birdcage in Santa Monica which opened it’s doors in 2016.

“Buck started to get a little suspicious when he saw that them bartender dudes didn’t have no shirts on, but I thought that is how it is done in Cali.  Everyone seemed friendly enough but when we seen these two fellers kissing, we knew that we weren’t in Shreveport any more”.

When later interviewed, the “chicks” explained that they thought it would be hilarious to bring these guys to a gay bar.

“Like OMG, these dudes, like, they were so like, from the south, and like Buffy and I like thought it would like be hilarious like to take them the The Birdcage” said Blair, one of the “chicks”.  “So like, I grabbed Buffy like, and said like, we should tooooootally like take these guys to The Birdcage.”

Witnesses reported that Buffy responded with “Like … totally”.

As soon as Billy Bob realized the predicament that he was in he rounded up his clan for a quick escape.

Miss Carter

“I grabbed all them folks I came with to get out of there but we couldn’t get Little Jimmy to leave.  He was dancing with some girl (who later turned out to be local drag queen Miss Carter) and said that he wanted to stay.  Little Jimmy never showed up at The Greyhound station the next day and we haven’t seen him since.”

Billy Bob and the rest of the clan will be coming back to Southern California next June for Little Jimmy and Miss Carter’s wedding.


Posted in Fake News.

Main Street Favorite Library Alehouse Finally Opens It’s Doors to Female Customers

Plácido Bromingo, Vincent Van Brogh, and Brosé Feliciano enjoying a pint.

Santa Monica CA: The Library Alehouse, known for the wide range of craft beers they used to have when Alex P. Davis was in charge, is now opening its doors to female patrons.  The popular Santa Monica location is frequently referred to as “The Library Male House” by those in the know.

Dudes line up at the bar to stare at their phones

As of Tuesday August 29 2017, passers by have noticed real women sitting at the bar and some of the tables.

The Main Street stalwart, popular with both dudes and bros has employed female staff since it opened in 1995.  Bartender Dani King who suffers from severe ADHD said “Since I started working here ….” and then walked away.

Manager Andrew Ghai is often mistaken for a woman due to a recent mandate that requires him to wear a jaunty apron. Ghai had this to say. “Actually, we have never had a policy about not allowing women here, they just walk by and see a bar full of dudes and keep on going.

Posted in Fake News.

Adventures in Online Dating: Size Matters

You have to admit, it is pretty ballsy to specify penis size in your online profile.










Here was my response. Her reaction was classic!



Posted in Dating, Really?.

Adventures in Online Dating: I’m Jewish

Online Dating Sucks!


Posted in Dating.

Stop Turning Wide!

Driving in Los Angeles is frustrating enough.  Lately, I have noticed a particular habit that really drives me nuts.  I will be driving down the street in the lane next to the rightmost lane.  There driver in the right lane is attempting to turn right but in order to do so, they swing to the left first (usually into my lane) to avoid running over the curb.  I have noticed that this is particularly prevalent in older drivers who learned to drive the mammoth cars that were available in the 50s and 60s.


Stay in your lane

Look, modern cars have really tight turning radius and it isn’t necessary to make this maneuver.  Your Prius doesn’t handle like the Ford Galaxie that your dad (rest his soul) taught you how to drive in.  Quit swingin into my damn lane.

The DMV’s California Driver Handbook says “To make a right turn, drive close to the right edge of the road.” .  There it is in black and white.

Posted in Misanthropy, Really?.

Farmers Market Etiquette


Why I am fat

This kid could walk

I love food.  I love to cook and I love to eat.  I especially like to cook and eat things that make me feel superior to you.  This is why I love to visit the Santa Monica Farmers Market on Wednesdays.  The food is fresh and the selection is great.  The only downside is, of course, the people, specifically parents with strollers.

The Farmer’s Market is located on Arizona Blvd.  There booths are located on either side of the street which leaves only a ten feet pathway for shoppers.  Dodging the hundreds of geezers and hipsters who frequent the Farmers Market is difficult enough without the presence of strollers (or prams as they are called in some countries).

As you read this, you may come to the conclusion that I don’t like children.  That is not true.  I love children.  I just don’t like your children.  Having children requires sacrifice.  That is why my wife and I have chosen not to have children.  Basically, we are selfish (so my mom tells me).  Just because you have chosen to accept the sacrifice of having children doesn’t mean I have to bear the burden of your selflessness.

If your kid is old enough to drive, he doesn’t need to be in a stroller

C’mon parents, your child has legs and can use them.  He is already looking a little pudgy and is well on the way to being another obesity statistic.  Make the little bastards walk and clear the path in between me and my heirloom tomatoes.



Posted in Cooking, Fine Dining, Misanthropy, Really?.

Old Jews Telling Jokes: Schmuck

The “Old Jews Telling Jokes” podcast keeps me occupied on my travels.  This one has to be my favorite.

Posted in Personal Insights.

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Sage Francis – “The Best Of Times”

Recently, I have been craving new music so I subscribed to the KEXP Song of the Day podcast.

One of the songs that really stuck with me is “The Best of Times” by Sage Francis.  Check it out.

Posted in Music.

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Best Man Toast

Here is my best man toast from Darren and Mirina’s Wedding.

Posted in Personal Insights.

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Decorating A Christmas Tree With A Control Freak

I am a bad Jew, just ask my mom.  You may have to wait a while for the answer since there is a list somewhere in Israel of how I have let the Jewish people down over the years, it is quite lengthy and may take a while for the Rabbis to transcribe my offenses back into English.  Once you get the list, scroll down to page 24, and somewhere in between “Marrying a shiksa”,  and “Getting a tattoo”, you will find “Decorating a Christmas Tree”.  If you get to “Being able to locate a carburetor”, you have gone too far.

Almost every year since I started dating my wife we have gotten a Christmas Tree, which is almost as enjoyable as phoning my mother to tell her that I have a Christmas Tree.  This year, we picked a fine Noble Fir standing about six feet tall.  We strapped it on top on the Prius and carefully drove home.  There is something ironic about killing a tree and attaching it to a fuel efficient vehicle, but tradition is tradition, and I don’t think Al Gore was going to notice.  We propped the tree up, and I was given the assignment of stringing the lights on the tree.

I chose the word “assignment” carefully since it clearly wasn’t a “responsibility” and clearly, as I was to soon be reminded, I was not in charge of this task.  I started my assignment the way I start any assignment in our household.  I filled the house with music from my computer.  It felt appropriate to play Christmas music which I keep handy in case my parents visit around the holidays.

I plopped myself down in front of the tree, plugged in a strand of lights, and started to populate the base of the tree with lights as “Merry F**king Christmas” played on the stereo.

My technique is quite zen.  I clear my mind and think to myself … shove lights in tree … shove lights in tree… shove lights in tree…  and my hands just follow along.  After a few minutes, I noticed that in order to spread the lights evenly I would have to actually get up from my sitting position. This was unacceptable for a lethargic zen master such as myself.  Against my better judgment, I asked my wife for help.  She was more than glad to assist and dutifully came to my side right away.  I handed her the loose end of the lights and enlightened her with my “shove lights in tree” chant, making sure to point to the tree to drive my message home.  I was hoping that she would grunt and nod and follow my five word command dutifully as this was *my* assignment, and I was clearly in charge.

She stared at me with an expression that could best be described as stunned.  I could tell that she was trying to reconcile decades of shiksa wisdom and tree decorating with her own family with my simple instructional chant.  She finally looked at me and said, “I don’t get it”.  She started to explain the “correct” method of putting lights in a tree which involved some sort of circular pattern and equidistant spacing but I was not going to have any of it.  I stopped her cold and repeated my chant while shaking the loose strand of lights at her.  “SHOVE LIGHTS IN TREE!, SHOVE LIGHTS IN TREE!”.  She just stared at me again.  I even tried demonstrating my technique by shoving the lights into the tree and repeating my chant.  She just couldn’t do it.

Defeated, she continued on her other errands and I was forced to stand up and change my position at least twice until every set of Christmas Lights we owned was now shoved into this tree.  If I do say so myself the distribution was even and the tree looks marvelous.  I look forward to the “I told you so” speech that I am going to get when we try and unravel the green tangled mess that I have created once the season is over.

Posted in Personal Insights.